Monday, May 3, 2010

The Missing Liner Notes: A Hard Day's Night

After the raging success of With the Beatles, the four lads from Liverpool turned their attention to the next big frontier: attempting to win the American Idol competition. However, American Idol had not been discovered yet, and this proved to be good fortune for the Fab Four, who would have almost certainly been defeated by David Archuleta, thus altering the course of history forever. So instead they decided to make a film, accompanied by an album of the same name.

The following facts about the album were painstakingly researched, culled from various reputable sources, including but not limited to: Emeril at the Grill: A Cookbook for All Seasons; The Marx Brothers Encyclopedia; Frank Lloyd Wright in Pop-Up; a very drunken bar conversation with a man named "Wallace"; several incredibly lucid dreams.

* The album title was taken from an accidental phrase used by Ringo while discussing the heroes of Arthurian legend with George Martin during a studio break; Ringo described Sir Galahad as "a hard, dazed knight."

* Ringo does not contribute any vocals to this album; this was the result of a suggestion made by Sir Joseph Lockwood, Chairman of EMI, that The Beatles "might actually want to avoid scaring their fans with this record."

* "If I Fell" was briefly considered for use in the LifeCall Medical Alarm commercials in the late 1980s.

* Fascination with the rising star of a young Cherilyn Sarkisian prompted Paul to write a love song in her honor. If not for an ink blot at just the right spot on the title sheet, which caused Paul to re-imagine the song's direction, the world would have been treated to the melodic strains of "And I Love Cher."

* The lyrics of "I'm Happy Just to Dance with You" caused a minor wave of panic amongst young female fans; one distraught girl remarked, "I've been led to believe all this time that the lads wanted to hold my hand, and now they're saying they don't want to kiss or hold my hand - this is all very confusing, and I'd like to get a straight answer. Do they want to hold my hand? Do they not want to hold my hand? What's really going on here?"

* After listening to "I'll Be Back", Arnold Schwarzenegger was inspired to adopt a new catch-phrase. He eventually dropped "I'm not trying to pretend" in favor of something more memorable, though no one really remembers what it was.

* "I Should Have Known Better" began as John's tortured tale about unwittingly falling in love with a transvestite. Macca got his goddamn lousy schmaltzing fingers on it, however, and it turned into another fruity pop song. John would later try (and fail) to address the same subject in his now-lost-to-history song, "Woman?"

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