Beatles Survey

Who is your favorite Beatle?

Sneezy.

What is your favorite Beatles song?

That one where they sing about love ... gosh, what is that one called?

What is your favorite Beatles movie?

Ringo Does Dallas.

What is your favorite Beatles quote?

"Honey, come back to bed." (Paul, spoken to John while on tour in France)

Name a Beatles song that makes you cry.

Revolution #9. Revolution #2-8 only irritate me.

Name a Beatles song that always cheers you up.

"Misery." Or ... wait ...

What Beatles photo makes you happy?

What is your favorite Beatles album?

What Beatles picture makes you angry/sad?

The one where they're mocking that small orphan boy.

What are your favorite Beatles outfits?

What is your favorite Beatles era?

I think Paul had a season ERA of 1.48 one year. That's probably my favorite.

Name a Beatles song you know all the words to.

"Love Me Do."

What is your least favorite Beatles song?

"Mmm-Bop."

Name 5 things you would change about the Beatles?

1) Their minds, 2) their oil, 3) their water filters, 4) their $100 bills, 5) their pace.

What is your favorite Beatles book?

Ringo's first-edition copy of The Tale of Peter Rabbit.

What is your favorite art drawing from or of the Beatles?

Who is your favorite Beatles wife?

Zsa Zsa.

Who is your least favorite Beatles wife?

Brian Epstein.

Who is your favorite Beatles child?

"Little Child."

What is your favorite Beatles instrument?

The protractor.

Who is your favorite Beatles tribute band?

The Rolling Stones.

Magical History Tour: July 19, 1968

On this day in Beatles history, July 19, 1968, the fabulous foursome went into the studio to record a song called "Sexy Sadie." Naked. (Don't judge - "sexy" doesn't just happen by chance, you know.)

Magical History Tour: July 9, 1969

Today in Beatle history, July 9, 1969, the lads stepped into the studio to record "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." We've been trying to forget it ever since.

Magical History Tour: July 7, 1940

Today in Beatle history, July 7, 1940, Richard "Ringo" "Starr" "Starsky & Hutch" "Rings" "Bongo" Starkey IX, Jr., Ph.D. was born, holding a pint in his left hand and a drum stick in his right. His uncles Groucho, Harpo, Zeppo, Chico, Klepto, Zippo, Bozo, and Brian were there to welcome him into the world. Ringo would later go on to become a drummer for the world's most famous Chad & Jeremy tribute band.

Magical History Tour: July 6, 1964

Today in Beatle history, July 6, 1964, the boys attend the Royal charity premiere of A Hard Days Night, while Paul quietly begins his campaign for knighthood by repeatedly pointing out to Princess Margaret "what a f**king good band we are."

Never Forget ...

... that in any situation, no matter how great the peer pressure, no matter how many the distractions may be, no matter what the time of day, what the occasion, or the amount of alcohol or booze involved, Paul McCartney always knows where the camera is.

Thank you, that is all.

Happy Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney

Sir Paul wanted me to tell you that it's his birthday, and he greatly appreciates all the kind words and well-wishes he has received today from his many, many fans.  In acknowledgement of you fine, friendly folks, Sir Paul sincerely points his pornstache and McMullet right at you.  Try not to swoon, ok?

Magical History Tour: June 18, 1942

On this day in Beatle history, June 18, 1942, James Paul McCartney came into the world, thus starting a brief and not-very-popular "Paul is born" myth.  He immediately set about the difficult task of trying to write a song that would address the two major, pressing universal issues of the time, namely, waterfall-jumping and polar-bear-chasing.

Magical History Tour: June 4, 1962

Today in Beatle history, June 4, 1962, the lads signed their first contract with EMI. As temporary secretaries. But hey, it was a contract.

Magical History Tour: May 28, 1969

Also on this day in Beatle history, May 28, 1969, John and Yoko had been in bed for three days in Montreal to promote peace. Several thousand miles away, Ringo was on Day 5 of an all-you-can-eat buffet blitz, also to "promote peace ... or ... you know, whatever."

Magical History Tour: May 28, 1967

On this day in Beatle history, May 28, 1967, Brian Epstein threw a party that was attended by John, Ringo, and George, as well as Mick Jagger, Marianne Faithfull, and Derek Taylor, among others. Paul did not attend, because he is way too cool for your party, now and always.

(Just kidding. He didn't go because he was dead.)

I Saw the Photograph - May 26, 2010

John and George always tended to get a little bit disrespectful and snarky when mimicking The Rolling Stones. But they were Mozart to the Stones' Salieri, so there was really no avoiding it, when you think about it. That's it, lads, take the mickey out 'em! Go on, do it! [edited]-ing Stones.

Magical History Tour: May 26, 1966

On this day in Beatle history, May 26, 1966, four very drunken Beatles stumbled into the studio to create a novelty recording of Gilbert and Sullivan's nautical number, "A British Tar."  Several confusing hours later, "Yellow Submarine" was the result.

Magical History Tour: May 21, 1964

Today in Beatle history, May 21, 1964, the U.S. saw the release of the single, "Sie Liebt Dich," ostensibly a German-language version of "She Loves You," but in reality, a musical rendition of several choice readings from Mein Kampf.  Paul was not present for the recordings, because he had not yet recovered from his death.

Magical History Tour: May 19, 1966

Today in Beatle History, May 19, 1966, the boys spent a long day in the studio making promo videos for "Paperback Writer" and "Rain", resulting in a lot of water-logged books. Ouch. That one hurt me.

Watch the studio performance of Rain

Watch the studio performance of Paperback Writer

Magical History Tour: May 17, 1967

On this day in Beatle History, May 17, 1967, the boys went into the studio to record "Part 1" of "You Know My Name (Look Up The Number)". The original lyrics included mention of the specific phone number 867-5309, but this idea was quickly scrapped by John and Paul because, as Paul put it, "who the hell would sing something like that?"

Magical History Tour: May 13, 1970

On this day in Beatle history, May 13, 1970, the movie Let it Be premiered in New York, resulting in a world-wide "Paul is Bearded" myth.

15 Little-Known Facts about The Beatles

1. Paul McCartney died in childbirth. He continued existing on Pure Awesomeness alone.

2. Bob Dylan introduced The Beatles to pot. The Beatles introduced Bob Dylan to quality song-writing.

3. Before they were "The Beatles", they were called "The Quarry Men", until they hired Liberace to play keys, and became "The Queery Men". Then they brought on Vicki and Debbi Peterson as backup vocalists and became "The Silver Bangles", and then quickly made Justin Bieber their front-man and became "The Wretched Sound of Things that Suck".

4. If you play "Revolution 9" backwards, at half-speed, paying special attention to the left channel, it's still a unbelievably crappy bucket-load of aural sludge.

5. To this day, Ringo still sleeps in his pink "Sgt. Pepper" uniform.

6. John's middle name was "Winston", after Winston Churchill. He later changed his middle name to "Winston Lights", after his favorite brand of cigarettes.

7. The song "Yellow Submarine" was written as a children's sing-along song. The film "Yellow Submarine" was made for children who regularly ingest their own body-weight in LSD.

8. There is a grammatical mistake in the title of George Harrison's "Love You To" that only exists because of a typographical error. The song was originally about George's favorite philosopher, St. Thomas Aquinas, and was entitled, "Love You Tom."

9. John had a cold during the recording of Please Please Me, and George Martin remembers him bringing a tin of Zubes throat lozenges and a carton of cigarettes to the session. This was before people knew that throat lozenges cause cancer.

10. The Beatles' fourth album was titled Beatles For Sale because the original title, Beatles For Rent, made them sound like cheap whores (although Paul had little objection to this).

11. The lyrics of "Tomorrow Never Knows" were inspired by The Tibetan Book of the Dead. The lyrics of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" were inspired by a drawing done by Julian Lennon. The lyrics of "I Am the Walrus" were inspired by 194,519 fluid ounces of absinthe.

12. After The Beatles had left the studio for the day, George Martin would often re-record Paul McCartney's vocals himself. His talent as an impressionist has never been surpassed.

13. John Lennon was born on October 9, 1940, exactly 32 years to the day after the birth of French director Jacques Tati. So. There is that.

14. The Beatles did actually meet a man named Maxwell Edison, but strangely, he was terrified of hammers.

15. When he said The Beatles were "bigger than Jesus," John was actually referring to his next-door neighbor, Jesus Diaz Guzman, who was quite short.

Dig a what?!

Another treasure from my secret Beatles Collection (and by "secret" I mean "so secret even The Beatles don't know it exists"). This is the original "Dig a Pony" lyric sheet, which John carefully crafted from an un-used Mad-Lib book. I might have to auction this off at Sotheby's.

I-hi-hi-hi-hi ...

Choose one:

* Dig a pony

* Roll a stony

* Cold and lonely

* Eat baloney

* Won a Tony

* Got thin and bony

* Love Island, Coney

* Feel sick and moan-y

* Found a crony

* Made rigatoni

* Ate pepperoni

* Bought a Sony

* Caught a phony

* Pick a moondog

* Roast a groundhog

* Chop a big log

* Post at my blog

* Bounce a bullfrog

* Sing "Hey, Bulldog"

* Feel the wind blow

* Do a road hog

Where you can ...

Choose one:

* Imitate everyone you know

* Syndicate every boat you row

* Penetrate every place you go

* Salivate on a dinner roll

* Permeate all the clothes you sew

* Implicate every dog you own

* Masticate every cake you're shown

* Conjugate every verb you know

* Procreate on a garden hoe

* Desecrate all the glass you blow

* Armor-plate every book you throw

* Overrate all the after-glow

* Lie in wait for a broken crow

* Roller skate through the softest dough

* City-state to an old zip code

* Tolerate all the summer snow

* Indicate everything you see

* Celebrate anything you want

* Radiate everything you are

Child-like - Try to Understand

This will either make you laugh or cause you to scratch your head and say, "Whaaaat?" For once, I am actually not inventing this out of whole cloth. All that follows was faithfully transcribed from a conversation with an actual three-year-old.

A Synopsis of the Movie Help!, as Told by a Three-Year-Old

The guy zips his pants down and then puts them off. All the way down.

And then the Beatles put some pop on that boy and then he started to cry. And then the little guy - guess what, I have some money! - and then he didn't cry, and then the Beatles were being nice.

The little guy put some fire on that boy.

They play their guitars in the movie.

Then the girl bites his ring off, because she just wants to. And then a tiger bites the Beatles.

Then the girl whistles for the tiger, and then the tiger bites Ringo.

And the tiger chases the Beatles. He runs and runs and runs.

And Ringo gets to keep the ring.

Then the boy gets wet, because he always wants to get wet. But his dad doesn't like that.

Then nothing happens.